When I faced my fear

They wheeled me in at 30 minutes past six. It was the first case of that day. When I reached the O.R door I said my prayer. And then they transferred me to the bed on the center of the room. It was cold. Someone offered me a warm blanket. I was alone. I closed my eyes. After a few minutes I woke up. Someone wants me to curl like a shrimp. They will do spinal anesthesia. I oblige. I curled and stayed on that position without moving. I don’t want to move because if I move an inch the tip of that needle might paralyze me permanently. Then so sudden I felt pain on my back. Terrible unexplainable sharp pain. It was excruciating. I clutch the scrub suit of the person hugging me to my position. And then the pain stops. I asked “is it done?” they said there’s another one. I braced myself again. And another pain. I hold tight to the same person. He doesn’t mind me squeezing his arm. He’s a comfort. Then the pain stops again. They lay me flat. I’m still fully awake. I’m conscious but anxious. In a few seconds they will gonna open me up. The doctor points something sharp on my tummy asking me if I can feel it. I said yes.  She repeat again I told her I can still feel the sharpness. Then I wonder. I know I’m immune to pain killers. Does strong ones doesn’t affect me at all too? Then everything went black. When I woke up I don’t know how many minutes or hours that passed. But I felt an oxygen cannula on my nose. I felt a cold air on my nostrils. I just keep my silence. Then so sudden I felt something is not okay. I can’t  breathe. I told the doctor I feel suffocating. Then automatically I felt someone puts an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. I breathe normally as I could. Then everything went blank again. For the third time I open my eyes again. This time I felt there’s a lot of people around. Taking . I listen. I was so anxious . And for the first time I saw the drape blocking my sight from the things that was going on at the front. But I know I’m being open up. I called the doctor again. She said to me “just sleep”. I closed my eyes.

When I opened my eyes again I heard the doctor tells someone to call my mother. I became more anxious. I called the doctor again. This time I was crying. She assured me everything is okay. Then I sleep again.

When I open my eyes I was inside the recovery room. The clock says 1100 hours. I can’t move my legs. I tried to feel my legs. I can’t. I tried to move it. I can’t. I know it would take time for the anesthesia to run off. I waited. 1300 hours. I saw my mom. She said everything is okay. I sleep. Then I woke up because I heard my cousins voice. I open my eyes. I wanted to talk. She forbade me. So I just keep quiet. 1400 hours still I can’t move my legs. I call the nurse. I told her if my legs are moving. she said no. I was frustrated.  I waited again. At 1500 hours I tried to move my legs. I saw it was moving. I called the nurse. I showed it to her. She said very good. I’m so happy.

At 1600 hours they wheeled me back to my room. I’m lying flat. At the door of my room I saw my mom, my cousin, my niece and my best friend. I was so overwhelmed. I was relieved.

I undergo operation. The very thing I’m scared of. But I surpassed it. I survived. I was alive.


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